Stellar
by ShiningXStar
Summary: Manny and Emma are best friends in thier senior year, and are quickly becoming the most infamous girls at Degrassi. As life spins more out of control, Emma and Manny struggle to maintain thier turbulent friendship. Rated M for drugs, sex, violence, etc.
1. The Ghost of a Good Thing

**Author's Note- **Hey, its been awhile since I've been on here but here is a new story I'm working on! It's pretty differen than my other stuff. It's mostly going to be about Emma and Manny during thier senior year, so disregard anything after season five. Every chapter will be told from either Emma or Manny's point of view. This chapter is long, but I'm not sure how long this story will be. Craig is coming back from Vancouver for good and is dating Manny, and Sean is back and with Emma. Please read and let me know what you think!

**JULY **

I was chewing my nails with frustration and excitement, watching the planes take off the runway from the terminal. I watched the blurry faces peering out the little oval windows on the plane, and imagined their exotic destinations. Hong Kong, Paris, Morocco…and wishing that I was one of them, drifting through the clouds to _anywhere else_. Yeah, planes are fun. But I'm already flying, I thought. A lot of people keep their feet planted on the ground their whole lives, waiting for a liftoff that never comes. But not me. I'm not going to waste all this life, because you might as well be dead. So I'm just going to fly higher and higher until….

I checked my watch. I hate waiting, it's such a bore. I tapped my foot and fiddled with the cigarette I was going to smoke as soon as I walked out of the stuffy, claustrophobic airport. I couldn't wait much longer- I hadn't seen Craig in four months and I could hardly wait to touch him and kiss him and just be in his presence. I was excited, definitely. I was planning on giving him a welcome he'd remember for the rest of his life. No playing it cool or swaggering up to him….no, I was going to knock him off his socks. He walks around with this look in his eyes sometimes…like he's about to cry. So when I can make him smile, a genuine smile, well….its the best feeling in the world. Time is going so slow- almost backwards! I'm going to explode if I have to wait much longer.

I felt so happy and relieved that Craig wasn't going to be so far now, I was dying without him around. But I don't think it was because I loved him so much. I felt _so_ much for him, but that didn't mean I was _in_ love with him. I used to think I was. I've changed. Don't get me wrong- I still want to be with him. And sometimes I want to just give up but….I never do.

I don't know why I started to feel so intensely about him. I don't understand myself, because Craig can be a real bastard sometimes and I'm really put off by it. He does some really fucked up shit, and then tells me he loves me. And I can't make sense of that. But I deal with it because he makes me feel….he makes me feels something that I can't even put into words.

After ages of waiting, I saw him step through the gate, and I nearly went hysterical. I yelled "_Craig_", and ran over to him, screaming his name and looking like a fool….he looked a little alarmed, actually. I practically jumped on top of him, hugging him and kissing him and pressing myself into him. "I' MISSED you!"

Craig was beaming and stroking my hair, and I think it worked. He couldn't tell what I was thinking, that I doubted this, that I really didn't know how I felt at all. But I was _thrilled_ at the same time. I just wanted to absorb all of him, every bit of him.

"Not nearly as much as I missed you," Craig mumbled into my hair once I calmed down a bit. "I can't believe I'm back."

I couldn't stand it. "Oh, I'm so happy you're here, you have no idea…" I lost it again and grabbed him, smothering him in wild kisses. He laughed. And I laughed, because it was like nothing had changed. Not a bit. He was still Craig, almost too cool for his own good. And he was giving me one of his big, soft smiles. "Let's get the fuck out of here. I need a cigarette _desperately," _**I** said, pulling on his hand.

"We need to get my bags," Craig said, so we began walking toward the baggage claim. We started talking about all sorts of things- his band, my school, his friends, my friends, life in general. I didn't know how to act, truthfully. And Craig was acting funny. He just seemed zoned out. Not his usual way, though.

After we'd grabbed his bags Craig's phone rang. He looked at it very hard for a moment, and then slipped it back into his pocket. "Oh was that Sean?" I asked, dragging one of Craig's suitcases behind me.

"No, it was nobody," he replied, staring at his sneakers. "Can I get a cigarette?"

"Oh, so now you're all mysterious, huh?" I teased. I tossed him one of my Marlboros.

"I don't know- does that turn you on?"

I smirked. "You mean the complicated, mysterious bad boy? I don't know, I think it's a little overrated."

Craig smiled, blowing out some smoke. It coiled around in the air like a snake. "Ouch."

**AUGUST**

"Get up…….hurry the fuck up! Get up! Damnit!"

I was still sleeping, but I could sense someone hovering over me, yelling and throwing a fit. I groaned and rolled over. Maybe if I ignored them…then suddenly there was this sharp pain in my back…. They kicked me! Right in the spine, too. I opened my eyes and sat up, furious. I was absolutely livid. Emma was staring down at me. She was tapping her foot impatiently, tap, tap. "Rise and shine, bitch."

"You cunt!" I screamed. "Are you high? That hurt!"

"Ha, good, it was supposed to," Emma snapped. She pushed up her sleeve and shoved the watch on her wrist into my face. "You're late." Her eyes drifted over me. She frowned and did this long sigh thing. "You look fucked up. At seven thirty in the morning."

I was only half-listening to her babbling because of my head. It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. I was holding a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, and in the other I had an unlit cigarette. Somehow I'd ended up passing out on Craig's living room floor. My eyes were killing me! I squinted up at Emma. "Look….can I help you with something?" I felt awful. The last thing I needed was Emma screaming in my face about nothing. It's the worst, you can't imagine.

Emma looked like she was refraining from ripping my head off. "I'm here, I was supposed to pick you up and take you to school." She paused. "Remember- we start senior year today?" And then she started laughing hysterically, because she knew I hadn't remembered at all.

Oh, fuck. "Nooooo," I wailed, tossing the bottle aside. I stuck the cigarette into my mouth and lit it. "I'm not going. I'm still drunk. No way." There, it was settled, fuck school. It was all brainwashing anyway. Know this, know that… "I'm going to sit this one out."

"Sometimes you are so…." Emma began, and then trailed off. I stared at her, challenging her to continue. I'm so what? I asked her with my eyes. Do it. Go there, I know you want to. I'd probably already heard it a million times. Emma blinked and shrugged. "Whatever. I really don't care how drunk you are. I came over here; you're coming with me. Period."

Emma turned and stomped back out to the car. She made a big deal of slamming the door on her way out. Emma, Emma, Emma. She's something else. Not really in a good way, though. I hate to say that, but it's true. I finally pulled myself off the floor and stumbled towards Craig's room. I'd been wondering about him. He tends to slip off sometimes, like he's in his own little world that no one else is allowed to be in. I haven't tried to think about it much, but he just seems…lost. Disoriented, like he never understands where he is. I opened the door. Craig was sitting on his bed, playing his guitar and swaying back and forth.

"Up this early?" I said from the doorway. He looked up.

"Never went to sleep. I went outside, ok, and started smoking a cigarette and then…well, the sun just came up. And I was thinking about cigarettes and the sun. Which is cool because you don't usually think about those things together. Anyway, it just struck me as….a song moment. Like these thoughts would make a great song."

And he was really fucked up, see? His eyes were dancing wildly and his face was stretched out in this humongous smile. I had to look over at his dresser, and of course, there it was. The long, neat lines of cocaine. Wonder how much he took? I try to figure it out but he always takes more than I think.

It was weird, the first time he did it in front of me. He'd been hiding it for awhile. I think he was a little embarrassed about it. But then I suppose he got sick of hiding it. We were just sitting around one day, and he pulls it out, like it's the most casual thing in the world! And then he chopped it up and prepared it, and snorted some. I remember being horrified and thinking oh God, oh, God. Just because you hear all those stories about how you take one little sniff and then you are hooked for life. And its all goes to shit from there. Then Craig started talking about how great coke was, but it's not as addictive as you'd think, blah, blah. I kept looking into his face to see if I could see anything different. But he just looked…relaxed, happy. See, what's so bad, he says sometimes. It doesn't seem bad to me.

Maybe, I don't know, I say. We don't really discuss the coke anymore. It's just there. I keep telling myself that all the "rock star" bullshit got to him in Vancouver. And he'll get over it…right? Yeah, he will.

"I can't wait to hear it, babe." I started picking up some of my clothes off the floor. My shit is always everywhere, but I think Craig likes it. "But I forgot I started school today. Isn't that crazy? I didn't even realize…."

"Well, look on the bright side. Only nine more months to go."

I gave him the finger, called him a bastard. Then Emma started honking her stupid car horn. About twenty times, I think. She's the most impatient…I gave Craig a kiss even though I was a bit annoyed. He'd said he was going to look for jobs today. But he hadn't slept a bit, and how are you supposed to find a job when stay up all night doing drugs and then crash all day? You cant, that's how.

I finally made it out to the car. I climbed in, Emma was mumbling things under her breath. I annoy the shit out of her. She didn't greet me. I lit up a cigarette, and decided to let her cool off. About a block into the ride she looked over at me and said, "I wish you wouldn't smoke in my car."

Well, I knew she was just saying that to say it, so I said, "That's hypocritical, because I see you smoke in here all the time." She was glaring at me. "Oh, Em, don't be mad at me. _Thank you_ for the ride." I saw her smile ever so slightly, and it was alright. It was always alright, because I could talk Em out of anything. "Could I get a ride home? I'll be on time this time, promise."

Emma flipped on the radio. "Yeah. But we have to go to the drugstore after school."

"What for?"

Emma stared straight ahead. "I need a pregnancy test."

That was followed by an awkward silence. We were both thinking hard. Well, that's interesting…I couldn't help but think that. And I couldn't help but think…looks like the tables have turned. Someone's screwed, and it's finally not me. It's a really fucked up thing to think. I was supposed to be supportive; that's what best friends do. But I couldn't come up with anything good to say, nothing that wouldn't make her feel awful. So I just said, "Oh, well….ok." Ha, that was my best, I guess.

Emma quickly said, "I'm not for sure. It's just a feeling."

"So…." Oh, I couldn't think up one comforting thing to say. "Whose would it be? I mean, if you are…"

Emma gave me the evilest look. "Sean's, obviously."

"Right. That's what you'd like to think."

"Shut up," Emma hissed.

I couldn't help myself. There's just something thrilling about pushing Emma's buttons. "Well, let's hope it is Sean's." Pause. "But what if it's Jay's?"

"I'm trying not to go there in my mind."

"You should have used condoms more."

Emma slammed her fist into the steering wheel. I noticed she was swerving a little between lanes, and I was getting nervous. "I've been on birth control! I just thought….it would control birth!"

And then I had another thought. "Jay gave you gonorrhea and you still don't always use a condom?!"

"I know, but we've both been tested and….I don't think he's been with anyone else for awhile."

"So he's given up those magical days of lurking around the ravine and preying on drunk girls? How commendable. Well, in that case..." Emma got really mad about that one, and started telling me how I really didn't know anything at all. I think she knew I was right, but she kept fighting. That's just her. She's always trying to win a fight, so she goes and makes them. Finally I interrupted her to say, "Look, I've never made it a secret that I think messing around with Jay is, by far, the stupidest thing you have ever done."

"For your information…" I thought, here we go, but surprisingly, she stopped and sighed. "Let's just listen to the radio."

So we did. And I think we were both a lot happier. I glanced over at Emma. Lately she's constantly looking tense and stiff. I'd just like to see her relax. Calm down a bit, because she's been out of control for awhile. She's had a mental breakdown, in my opinion. After the whole anorexia thing…She's up, she's down, she's happy, she's angry….I can never predict her anymore. It's come to the point where I look at her and I can't even begin to guess what she's thinking. It's scary. We used to be on the same exact page, but now we're not even in the same fucking book. It blows.

When we pulled into the school parking lot, I felt like my soul had shattered into a million pieces. I know, I know, school's not that bad, it could be worse. But it kills me because….I know that there's so much beyond school, beyond grades and papers. There's something absolutely fabulous out there waiting for me, somewhere. So I just think, when is it going to be my turn? People always say you can be anything or do anything you want, but when? I don't want to wait any longer. I'm getting restless.

Before we got out of the car Emma said "Ready for senior year?"

Not even the slightest bit. Then I thought but hey, if I was stuck in this place, I might as well make the most of it. That's when I realized I wanted to do it all. You know, as much as I can. All the things you never dared, all the things you dream about and that you're curious about but that you never actually thought you'd do. Yeah, that was my plan. And it would be easy….to just do whatever I wanted. "Bring it on."


	2. High and Dry

I used to like high school. I think I did, at least. I used to be a cheerleader. I used to be involved in things, you know, like fundraisers and parties and dances and shit like that. People used to like, actually like me. Guys liked me more than the other girls, but later, as I learned; really only because they thought I was easy. Anyway, I used to be different. Now…well, I'm still _technically_ on the cheerleading squad, but I missed more than a few practices this summer so I honestly don't know what the fuck is going on with that. I was made captain after Paige left, but, _surprise_, that didn't last long. The girls voted and said it was "better for the team" if Darcy's punk-ass was captain. Whatever. Since the whole Craig-Ashley fiasco, everyone thinks I'm a slut. Do you know how many guys I've supposedly blown, how many STDS I've had, how many relationships I've fucked up? It's funny, because it's not true, but people just like to talk. And they like talking about me. And I just don't listen anymore. Girls don't like me, and guys like to pretend they've hooked up with me. That's high school, I guess. It's like sometimes I'm waiting for it to get better, but it doesn't.

We were walking across the parking lot when I realized I didn't have any more cigarettes. I grabbed Emma's arm. "I'm out of cigarettes!"

"So?"

"Well, don't you have any?"

"No, I'm quitting." I snorted, because she always says that and it never happens. She loves cigarettes even more than me, but for some reason, pretends like she doesn't. "Well, I'll look in my purse…..no, I don't."

I groaned and watched two freshmen cheerleaders prance past us. "Shit, I really need a fucking cigarette."

"Well, what do you want me to do, pull one out of my ass?" Emma said irritably. I wished she'd pull that big stick out of her ass first. I almost said something like that, but she'd been in an awful mood all morning and I knew I was pushing it. "Can I borrow your car? I'll run to the gas station and be back in, ten minutes. Please?"

Emma was thinking. "I'd let you borrow my car," I added.

"Yeah, but you don't have a car, do you? Ok…fine." She tossed the keys to me. "But don't fuck around. _Ten minutes, _Manny."

Five minutes later I was at the gas station, handing the cashier my money. The place never asks to see my I.D, it's really great. As he rang up my purchase, I noticed Jay was leaning against the other end of the counter, holding a Slurpie and wearing his trademark cocky smirk. The first thing I thought was, gee, I hope Emma isn't pregnant with _his_ kid. Gross. The cashier handed me my change and cigarettes. "Have a nice day." He didn't really mean it.

"Hey, Santos," Jay said. "Aren't you being….what's that word? _Truant_?"

"Oh, so you're hanging out in gas stations now?"

Jay pushed himself off the counter. "_No. _I'm back in school, actually. We're classmates now."

He said it like I was supposed to be excited about it or something. "So that means _you_ are being truant, then."

Jay frowned and slipped his sunglasses on. "Whatever." He glanced over at the cashier and then leaned in closer to me. "Hey, you want to go on a ride?"

That means driving around and smoking weed. I bit my lip and thought about it. On one hand, I'd promised Emma I'd hurry back to school. On the other hand….I never passed up a chance to smoke. You just don't do that. It would help my hangover, that's for sure. And honestly, school was the last place I wanted to be, and would Emma even notice? At this point she was probably sitting in class, drooling over the teacher's every word and practically getting off on learning shit. So I followed Jay out to his car, and we waited inside for Sean to get back with the pot. We sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes, smoking our cigarettes. Finally he said, out of the blue "Why don't you like me?"

I laughed. "Are you serious? Where do I start?" Even Jay laughed at that. "Look…_you _have to know _I _know, right?"

Jay was silent, and I could tell he was trying to figure out what I was talking about. Moron. Finally it clicked and he just shrugged. "Yeah, I figured. Girls are all talky and gossipy."

I tossed my cigarette butt out the window. "I just think Emma's making some mistakes. That you're involved in. It's not you so much- you're sort of ok. It's just the situation I don't like. I think it's all fucked up."

Jay smirked. "Well, Emma's a big girl. And we all mistakes. Even _you_, Manny. Right?"

I went red, because I knew what he was talking about. Once upon a time, I hooked up with Jay. I'm not proud of it. No one knows, and no one will _ever_ know except me and Jay. I went to a house party, got wasted, and had sex with Jay. And that was it. He was nice enough to drive me home, even though he was drunk and shouldn't have been driving, and we never really talked about it afterwards. It was before him and Emma, so…who cares? But I figured he'd throw it in my face at some point. "Jay….shut the fuck up."

"That's what I think is funny, Manny. You think I'm such scum, and I'm so beneath Emma, but if I remember correctly…well, at one point, _you_ were beneath me. Literally."

"I was really drunk, Jay."

"Yeah, but you were the one who was pulling _me_ upstairs. But I bet you don't remember that, right?" Actually, I did. Sadly, I hadn't been drunk enough to forget the whole thing. That's the most humiliating part- I remember instigating the whole thing. "Maybe you're just jealous."

I folded my arms over my chest. "Jealous? Come on. Of what? You and Emma?"

Jay smiled slyly at me. "Yeah."

Well, that was just….that was just….ridiculous. I hated Jay….right? But I couldn't help but wonder….maybe I'd been a little upset when Emma first told me about Jay. I know the whole Jay thing was just a one-night stand, but….it hurt anyway that he was interested in my best friend, you know? I don't know why, but it just did. I looked at Jay, with his stupid backward baseball cap, looking scruffy and tired and somehow, incredibly sexy. And I couldn't help thinking about the way he'd touched me, the way he'd kissed my neck and….well, I couldn't let myself start thinking about _that_. Because…honestly, it had been really great. But he couldn't know that. The last thing this kid needed was another ego boost. "You weren't _that_ good, Jay."

Jay pretended to look offended. "Really? I thought….you know, that night was pretty fun." I just rolled my eyes. And then suddenly Jay started leaning closer and closer to me, and I really thought, he's going to kiss me. And shit, I think I wanted him to kiss me. I couldn't really breathe. And then, just as I thought his lips were going to touch mine, he reached across me and opened the passenger door. And then he leaned back and nodded at the window. "You should get in the back. Sean's coming." I looked over my shoulder and saw Sean climbing out of a black van across the parking lot. I felt really stupid because I'd actually thought…I swear Jay was just fucking with me. I got out and slid into the backseat.

Sean got in a minute later. "Next time you're going. That dude is _weird_." He noticed me and smiled. "Hey, Manny. What's up?"

I really love Sean; he's like a big teddy bear. He used to call me his "little sister", although we're not as close as we used to be. He's the best thing for Emma right now- I think he's the only thing that can really help her. Sean's great. And I just know Emma is going to mess it all up with this silly Jay business. I don't get Emma. She's constantly sabotaging herself. But, I bet she says the same thing about me. That's probably why we're still friends. "Oh, nothing. School blows."

"Tell me about it." Jay pulled out of the parking lot, and Sean began to roll a blunt. "I have Kwan for homeroom again."

"Shit. I have Emmelhainz," I said.

"Me, too." Jay caught my eye in the rearview mirror; I just looked out the window and decided to ignore him. Sean and I chatted for a little bit, and Jay was quiet, moodily smoking a cigarette. Finally Sean passed the blunt over his shoulder to me. I took a hit as I listened to Jay and Sean arguing over car things I didn't really care about. I just kind of floated off into my own world, enjoying the warmth of my high as it spread through my body. As the blunt went around, and I got higher and higher, I started thinking a lot. I found it so bizarre that Sean and Jay were both hooking up with Emma, but Sean had no idea and Jay was able to just act normal all the time. It was _weird. _And it wasn't fair to Sean, who rolled great blunts and didn't deserve all this sneaking around. Maybe it was because I was high, but I just wanted to tell him. I really did.

When the blunt was done we went to McDonalds. Sean paid for me, which made me feel even worse. Finally we went back to school. I was stoned and very giggly. I always get like that. It's the best way to be when you're high, I think. Sean gets more talkative and open, but he doesn't get goofy or silly or anything. Jay doesn't act any different, unfortunately. Anyway, we decided we'd all go in separately and a few minutes apart, so it wasn't so suspicious. Jay went in first, then Sean, and finally I went in.

I went into the front office to get a slip so I could get into class. Cindy, the secretary, eyed me up and down when I walked in and shook her head. "And why are _you_ late, Manny?"

"My car broke down," I lied. There was a jar of candy on the desk, so I took some. "You know how it is."

"That's funny. Your friends Sean and Jay just came in and said their cars broke down _too_." I smiled weakly at her. I didn't say anything because, duh, she's not stupid. She shook her head sadly again, probably thinking, _damn_ _potheads_. My eyes were dry and itchy, and I figured I looked stoned at hell. "Well, you don't need a pass. Everyone is in the assembly, so just go to that. And try not to be late again, ok?"

I walked into the darkened gym. Mrs. H was giving some motivational speech. I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks she looks like a stripper all the time. Mrs. Kwan was sitting in a chair near the door. She looked at me and pointed to the wall. I went and stood next to Sean. I spotted Emma's shining blonde hair in the bleachers, and she was glaring at me. I pretended to be enthralled with Mrs. H's boring speech and just ignored her. Finally, Mrs. H wrapped shit up. "So let's make this the best school year ever!" Half-assed applause. "And now, we're going to end this assembly with another performance by the cheerleading squad!"

Uh-oh. Jay leaned across Sean. "Hey, aren't you a cheerleader, Santos?" He looked so smug I wanted to rip his face off.

"Yeah, shouldn't you be out there or something?" Sean asked.

"Fuck," I said, slapping myself on the forehead. "I forgot. I fucking forgot." Sean and Jay started laughing. "Shut up. They're going to kill me."

"What are they going to do? Their fucking cheerleaders," Jay said. He shook his head. "But I do love those short skirts. Why don't you wear that more often, Santos?"

I slipped out the door as the cheerleaders were lining up to begin the routine, and I just went and sat down in front of my locker. Well, I was off the team for sure now. But….I didn't really care. I felt like I should have, but I was really just relieved.

I knew the assembly had let out because kids came pouring down the hall, including Emma, who spotted me and walked over. I looked up at her. "Um, I forgot about the cheerleading thing."

"Yeah, no shit." I thought she was going to rip into me about the car thing, but instead she just sat down next to me. "Look, I'm sure if you explain…."

"Explain what?" I said, throwing up my hands. "I don't even care, honestly. I wanted to quit anyway, I just didn't have the balls." Emma nodded.

"Manny! Are you hurt?" I looked up and saw Amber standing over me, flanked by two other cheerleaders whose names I didn't even know. I hate Amber, she's the worst of them all. Just a nasty little thing.

"Uh, no."

"Are you _deathly_ ill?"

"_No_."

"Really? Because those are the only reasons I could think of as to why you would miss our biggest performance of the year!"

Emma snorted. "Biggest performance of the year? Seriously?" she muttered under her breath, and Amber shot her an icy glare. "Manny, you left us short a girl. Do you know how that messed up our routine?! Do you even know the routine?!"

I sighed and stood up. "Amber, I'm sorry, I just…."

"God, Manny, you're so irresponsible," Amber interrupted. "Don't you care about the team?"

"Honestly…not really."

I could tell Amber was getting really frustrated, because she was fucking around with her hair and tapping her little tennis shoe on the ground. "I knew it. You know, I stuck up for you when the other girls wanted to kick you off the team because of your….reputation, but- "

"My reputation?" That was pretty much it. Hadn't I been trying to apologize? I was so sick of this shit! "Amber, you're a shitty cheerleader, and the only reason you're on the team is because your _mother_ offered to pay for new uniforms." Amber looked shocked. "Yeah, we all know. I don't _want_ to be on your stupid team anymore. I'd rather kill myself than wear that stupid outfit and prance around like you. The team isn't even good, dude. You all suck."

Amber looked baffled, because, well, she's an idiot. "Well-well…..you're off the team, Manny!" _Duh. "_Now you'll have more time on your hands to screw other girl's boyfriends and…and kill baby fetuses!"

The next thing I knew my fist was hitting Amber's face, and Amber was hitting the ground. It was weird, because I don't remember even thinking _I'm going to hit her_, or deciding to do it. It just…happened. You can say all you want about me, but….to bring up the abortion…I just think that's fucked up. Because it's not like I don't think about that enough, right? Anyway, Amber started crying because her nose was bleeding, and Emma and I were just staring at her. And a lot of other people were staring, too. Finally the nurse showed up, _and_ Mr. Simpson. I'm glad it was him and not one of the other teachers, because Simpson is cool. Well, he _can_ be cool.

"Manny, did you do this?" Mr. Simpson sounded all exasperated, because he already figured it was me. I just nodded. "Manny…." He sighed. "The first day, Manny? Really?"

"You know what a bitch Amber is." That was the best explanation I had.

Mr. Simpson just kept sighing and shaking his head, and then he took me to the principal's office. Suspended, three days.

I hate fucking high school.


	3. Are You Experienced?

Author's Note- Hey, I haven't updated in awhile but I just put up two chapters and will hopefully update again soon. Let me know what you think!

_We are just standing in the hallway. Toby likes Darcy; Toby wants me to talk to Darcy for him. I know for a fact that Darcy isn't interested. She thinks he's a little creep. But I can't tell him that. Yeah, I'll talk to Darcy for you. Then I jump, because there's a loud BANG. Toby says it's probably a car backfiring in the parking lot. He's probably right, I think, and I laugh. But kids are running down the hallway, and I tell Toby, I don't think that was a car backfiring. Sean walks up. "What's going on?" We don't know. We go to look….but we should be running the other way, right? Probably. Rick is walking toward us, but he's not running like everyone else. And then…I see the gun and I freeze. We all do. And I know he's shot someone. Who? __**Who**_

_Sean tries to talk to him, but I'm not listening. And then the gun is pointed at my face. I realize…he's going to shoot me. In the face. I'm not breathing. But Sean jumps out and grabs the gun, and they struggle. Another BANG. They both fall over. I think Sean's been shot. Someone's been shot, because there's blood creeping toward my feet. I scream and just keep screaming. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Toby leaves to get help. _

_Finally, Sean gets up, looking horrified. "I didn't…I didn't…Fuck." He's covered in blood, and I see that Rick has been shot. Sean backs away from Rick. He looks at me. "Don't look. Get out of here." He pushes me away. Sean's shaking so bad. _

_I turn to leave, but not before I look at Rick. He's still alive. He's gasping for breath, clutching his stomach, but he looks right at me. He's looking right at me. Then he closes his eyes. I turn and run and run but I can't get far enough away…._

I dreamed about the shooting for months after it happened. I couldn't even sleep. After awhile I stopped replaying it in my head every night, but sometimes, it comes back. I can't do anything about it. The night before my senior year started, I had the dream again.

I used to love school. I was always excited about it, and I always worked hard. A lot of people thought I was weird, but who cared? I felt like I was going somewhere. But after the shooting, it just all went downhill. It just really fucked me up. I don't think I'll ever forget the way Rick looked at me while he was dying on the ground. He just looked so pathetic…and hurt. Not just because he was shot, but because of everything that had happened. I don't think that kid ever had a chance, you know? I remember thinking afterward, what a stupid way to die. What a pointless, stupid way to go. I tried to be nice to him, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. I remember how he kissed me that day, and how I flipped out on him. I don't know…I don't know if I should feel guilty or not. I know he would have shot me if Sean hadn't stepped in, so why do _I_ feel like I did something wrong?

I've just felt…not right since then. For awhile I just felt nothing. And I know people think I've been acting funny, but it's the only way I know to deal with everything. I just wish people would leave me alone. The whole anorexia thing….well, I'm working on it. But I just can't be the Emma I was before the shooting…_why_ don't people get that? I feel like Sean does sometimes, because he was there. It bothers him even more than it bothers me….for obvious reasons.

I woke up on the first day of school, thinking about Rick. It put me in a bad mood. I knew I was being a little mean to Manny, but she wasn't being very pleasant herself, so…But I cheered up a lot when Manny punched Amber in the face. I waited in the principal's office with her before she got suspended, and we just sat there and laughed for, like, fifteen minutes. Archie said we were being really "insensitive", but I think he wanted to laugh, too, just because Amber is one of those people that deserve to get punched in the face once in awhile. It wasn't so funny when Manny got suspended, and she called Craig who came and picked her up. Her mom's going to kill her. I'm not kidding. This might be when her mom _actually_ kills her.

At lunch I went to computer lab and printed out a bunch of campaign signs. I hadn't told anyone yet, but I was running for school President. I went into the hallway and started taping the signs up. I was hanging one up next to the girl's washroom when I spotted Jay down the hallway, talking to a girl.

I guess I was staring, because Jay looked at me over the girl's shoulder, said something to her, and then walked over to me. I went back to hanging up the sign. "She's cute," I said casually.

"I was trying to copy her homework," Jay said. "And she's not as cute as you."

I tried not to smile. It throws me off when Jay actually says sweet things to me. You wouldn't even think, but he's not really an asshole. Manny thinks he's a real dick, but I see where she might get that. I feel like I know a different Jay than everyone else. We're not really anything, though. He's just there. I probably don't know him at all. But…I like spending time with him.

"What's that?" He pointed at the signs.

"I'm running for President."

"Really? That's weird."

I sighed. "I'm not doing it because I really care about this school, Jay. There's a scholarship that comes with it. Which I desperately need if I want to get the hell out of here. My parents don't have a lot of money."

"You want to leave?" He sounded, kind of…maybe I was reading into it too much, but disappointed.

"Yeah. So I just have to win this stupid election."

"Here, I'll help you put some up." I handed him a small stack, and he glanced over it. "So you think you're going to win?"

"I don't know. Might as well try, right?" I didn't know if anyone would even vote for me. I hadn't really thought about it. All I knew was, there's a scholarship. And I want it. I _need_ it. The one thing that was keeping me sane right now was the idea of moving away from this place, maybe with Sean. I just needed a change. "Besides, it's something to do."

"Well, I think it's really cool. That you'd like, actually do this for that scholarship. You should bake cupcakes."

The bell rang, lunch was over. I'd put up most of my signs. Word was out, I guess. Maybe I should bake cupcakes. Manny should make cupcakes, since she wasn't doing shit for three days. "Hey, you want to go to a party tonight? It won't be weird."

I felt like I already had plans or something. I remembered I'd talked about getting dinner with Sean and hanging out, but he said he had to work late at the shop because he'd messed something up. He said he wasn't going to be able to hang out. Mom and Archie didn't care when I left, or where I went anymore- Jack had been sick lately so they were too busy fussing over him. And a party sounded better than nothing. "Ok. Yeah." He said he'd pick me up around nine or ten. Then I headed to my next period, excited about the party but also feeling like I probably shouldn't go with him. I can never decide on my stupid feelings.

I rounded a corner and nearly ran into Liberty. "Oh, hey, Liberty. How was your summer?" I should have added a "_Gee, I meant to call_" or something like that, but it was bullshit. We barely talked anymore; I think she hated me. She was standing there, holding one of my signs. "It was nice. I went to New York City. Are you running for President?" She held up the sign. Yeah, she had the sign, didn't she? It _said_ on the sign I was.

I told her I was, and that's when it got really awkward. I guess Liberty was running, too. And she was a little "surprised" to hear that I was running after "everything", whatever that meant. I didn't know what to tell her. It was a scholarship. A lot of people want it, but I think Liberty just assumed she was going to be President, like she wasn't going to have to run against anybody. I knew it meant a lot to her, but….well, I'd already made the signs. "But good luck, Liberty."

"Yeah, you too," she mumbled, hurrying away. Yeah, she hates me.

The rest of the day went by fast, and I barely saw Sean. I only talked to him once, and after the last bell I saw him hurrying to Jay's car. I almost went looking for Manny, but then I remembered she was probably smoking at Craig's right now. I don't know what to think about him anymore. Craig and I were actually close for awhile, he's actually a really great guy. And I know he loves Manny, even though they've had a rough time. But he's back from Vancouver, probably because his big music career is stalling, and he's into drugs now. He's not just into pot- we all dabble with that- but cocaine. It makes me nervous. I don't want Manny around that.

I didn't go to the drugstore after school, because I wanted Manny there when I….oh, yeah, I think there's a small chance I might be pregnant. No, I don't think I am. I just want to check.

I went home and sat with Jack for awhile so Mom could rest. Archie got back later and ordered a pizza, because no one felt like cooking, and the three of us actually had a nice dinner together. It didn't feel forced. And they didn't seem to be paying any attention to whether I was eating or not. Mom and Archie went upstairs around 8:30, and I knew they were probably done for the night. Finally around ten Jay pulled up outside, blasting music like some people weren't trying to sleep. He doesn't care, he never cares. I ran outside and jumped into the front seat. "Are you deaf?" I screamed over the music, and he turned it down. "What?"

"You play your music really loud," I said, pulling on my seatbelt.

"Yeah, well, my car, my rules." But he didn't turn the music back up. "I got some beer already, if you're drinking." I'm not a big drinker. Over the summer I went out with Manny alot, and I tried to keep up with her, but she's just ridiculous. For about a week straight I threw up every night, and it turned me off drinking for awhile. I told Jay I was going to drink, but not get drunk. He said I was just a lightweight. And then I thought, maybe I shouldn't drink at all, just in case I was…but I just decided not to think about it. That's not something I can handle right now.

We got to the party, and I didn't know anyone, which is best, because I don't want it to get back to Sean that I was out with Jay. But no one there went to Degrassi, not that I recognized at least, and they all seemed a little bit older, anyway. There was one girl named Erica that I'd seen around before, and she waved me over. I sat and talked to her for a little bit. Jay knows everybody, I swear, because he was talking to everybody he saw and seemed to be the center of attention.

I'd been there about twenty minutes when Sean called. I panicked and hit Ignore. I know I should have answered, but I just didn't feel like it. He called again, and I still didn't answer. I'm just a horrible girlfriend. I'm surprised Sean even still calls me _ever_.

Jay came up, which was a relief because I was sick of hearing about Erica's hair extensions and ex-boyfriend. "Come downstairs to smoke," he said, holding out his hand. I took it and followed him into the basement. It was really dark but there were three guys who were sitting around on the couches, hitting a bong and listening to music. Jay introduced me, and they all mumbled stoned greetings. We smoked, and all of the boys were really nice, if not a bit stupid. Just…obviously people who smoked too much weed, you know? It was nice, better than the commotion upstairs.

I think someone left the basement door open, because every once in awhile you could hear snippets of people's conversations as they passed. And I swear, I heard Sean's voice. Just a little, but I could have sworn he was upstairs. Jay was hitting the bong, and when he was done I pulled him aside. "I think Sean's here." Jay just blinked. I gave him a little shove toward the stairs. "Go look."

He came down a few minutes later. "Yeah, he's up there."

"You didn't say he was going to be here!"

"I didn't invite him. But we hang out with the same people. We have the same friends, you know. _You_ said he was busy tonight."

"Shit. Well, let's go. I don't want him to see me."

"What's the big deal? We can just tell him you were bored and I offered to bring you along." He said it like it was that simple. But it wasn't. Sean was still totally in the dark about…everything, and I wanted to keep it that way. Besides, anyone would think it was weird Jay and I were hanging out, especially Sean. "No, let's just slip out. I don't want to deal with it."

"We haven't even been here that long." Jay sounded irritated. He'd gotten a new beer and took a swig. "Chill out." I started getting upset. Chill out? Jay didn't seem to understand anything. I kept insisting we leave, and he kept getting angrier and angrier. "I'm sick of this," he finally said.

"Fine. Then maybe we should just stop hanging out and…everything." I hissed, but I didn't mean it. I wanted him to disagree with me, but he didn't. Instead he just shrugged. "Fine. That's sounds _fine _to me." And he actually walked away. Just like that. And I thought, it's probably for the best.

I was really pissed off. I stomped out of the basement, and then sneaked through the house, watching out for Sean. I made it out the back door, and started walking in the dark. I wasn't even sure where I was, but I figured I could find my way home. I started thinking about…everything. I loved Sean, and I knew it was awful that I was having sex with Jay. But I was getting attached to Jay, I couldn't deny that anymore. And it scared the shit out of me.

I'd been walking for ten minutes when Jay pulled up and rolled down his window. I didn't even stop. "Hey, get in the car. I'll take you home…..Emma, I'm sorry. You're not really going to walk, are you?"

I mean, I _really_ didn't want to walk home. So I got into the car, but I told him I didn't want to talk about it. We didn't talk at all, actually. I wasn't mad, I was just confused. Finally I turned to him. "Can you take me to the drugstore?"

He did, and he didn't ask any questions. I told him to wait in the car while I ran inside. God, there were a lot of kinds of pregnancy tests. I just picked one, paid for it, and went into the restroom. While I waited, I was thinking about how sad it was going to be if I found out I _was_ pregnant in a dirty drugstore restroom. I wanted to call Manny, because she's been through this, but I left my phone in the car. After a few minutes I looked at the stick, then at the box. Negative. Wow…that was intense. But it was fine, and I felt a lot better just knowing. I threw out the test and the box and headed back out to the car. "You were in there forever. Didn't you get anything?" Jay asked, looking at my empty hands.

I decided not to say anything about what had just happened, because it would only freak him out. "Thanks for taking me home, Jay."

He looked confused, but then he smiled and took my hand in his. "Anytime."


	4. Come Together

I knew I was dead meat. I mean, as soon as Ms. H told me I was suspended, I just thought, well, fuck, there it is. I've been skating on thin ice with the mother lately, we've been arguing about absolutely everything. If she found out…I was screwed. But sometimes I think my parents are incompetent. It's like they haven't got a clue and their just _guessing_ how they're supposed to be raising me. I don't think either my mother or father is the parent-type, but at least their trying, _at least_. I'm not the parents-type either, I think, and maybe I just won't have any kids. But I'm only seventeen, and maybe when I grow the hell up I'll be into all that. Who knows?

My father left about four months ago, seems longer. Somehow he'd fallen in love with a blonde named Laurie and decided that being with her was more important than being with us. So he moved out all of the sudden, and I didn't even know why until my mother finally told me what a cheating pig my father was. There were other things, too, and it was hard because he wasn't who I thought he was. I still see him sometimes, but I don't think I like him at all. He's my father, but…I just think he's an asshole after everything. Laurie's a whore, and that's all I can say about her.

After the suspension, I spent the rest of the day at Craig's, smoking a lot of pot and watching South Park. I finally went home around dinner, even though I didn't really have a clue what I was going to do. Couldn't I pretend to go to school, and she wouldn't have to know a thing? Wouldn't that be the best for everyone? But when I got home, she already knew. Everything. Figures, right? I'd barely gotten through the door and she was in my face.

"Suspended for fighting? FIGHTING? What kind of…..for three days!? You've been at school for an hour and already you're suspended! Ugh!"

"I'm _sorry_. It wasn't technically a _fight_. I just hit the girl once. No one was like, seriously injured." I was trying to make it better, but…I think I was just making it worse.

My mother was still horrified, staring at me like I was some kind of monster. "You're a bully!" Then she stepped closer to me and sniffed the air. She was _sniffing_ me, and it was weird. "And you smell like cigarettes! I told you to stop smoking!"

My mother hasn't realized yet that I don't do everything she tells me to do anymore. I really think she thinks her word is that powerful. Ha. We argued for a few more minutes, and somehow it kept escalating until finally she just told me to get the fuck out. She actually said it, that she wanted me to leave. I didn't think she'd ever say that but…I was stunned. So I just went upstairs and packed up a few things. I felt strangely detached from the whole situation, it was so surreal. I think she wanted to take it back, but she never did. I called Craig to pick me up, and I stopped by my little brother's room on the way out. He was sitting at the computer, staring at it stupidly. "Hey, loser, it's not good to stare at that too much."

Xavier looked over at my bags and frowned. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going on a trip….thing." Vague.

"For how long? Why aren't I going on a trip?" he demanded, looking back at the screen and making a face. "You weren't invited." He flicked me off. "Don't do that. You'll get it from Mom if she sees. Listen, I'll be back in a few days." Or something like that. I really didn't know, but a few days sounded better than the truth. We said good-bye.

I didn't even say anything to my mother. She stayed in the kitchen. I felt like I should tell her where I was going, but shit, she probably didn't even care. She was jut furious because I wasn't turning out like she wanted. I'm just…._different_ to her. Craig picked me up. We'd decided I'd stay with him for a bit, until things got figured out. I was still upset when I got into the car. "It'll be fine," Craig said, rubbing my shoulder. "Shit happens, but she loves you."

He was right. I love the old bitch, too, but lately we always bump heads and now we've just both got big fucking headaches. Time apart was good. So I was excited to stay at Craig's, I always wished I could live there anyway. He dropped me off at the apartment, but he was going to have dinner with Joey. They were going to discuss Craig's "situation", as Joey put it, which didn't sound very promising for Craig. Anyway, he drove off and I took my bags inside and put them upstairs in Craig's bedroom. There was loud music in the kitchen, so I wandered downstairs. I'd figured it was one of Craig's roommates. But I got into the kitchen and there was a girl on the counter. She was just dancing, having a great time all by herself. I think she must have been fucked up.

She stopped and found me staring at her, and she beamed. "Hey!"

"Hey! I'm Manny."

"I'm Avery. Do you live here?!" She was the prettiest girl, with long blonde hair and the liveliest green eyes. She started dancing again and snapped her finger at me. "Doesn't matter, doesn't matter," she sang, twisting around. "I'm making dinner for everyone! Are you _starving_? I'll make anything you want."

I liked her immediately. She seemed more alive than anyone I'd ever meant, maybe it was because of the drugs….she was on something, coke maybe, but who knows? There are so many drugs floating around these days, you never know. I told her I'd love anything, and she started rummaging around the kitchen for things. I wanted to be around her more, but I knew I had to call Emma. When I went upstairs to get my cell phone I ran into Christian. _Shirtless_ Christian, which is even better.

I liked Christian. Most girls do, he's just _that _guy. Charming, talented….he met Craig in Vancouver and they bonded over their music. Christian plays the guitar, too, but his heart belongs to the piano. I've heard him play a few times, and he's just _amazing_. He's got this long brown hair that's always falling into his eyes, and he always has to push it away. It's adorable.

"Hey, do you know that girl in the kitchen?"

He smiled faintly and shrugged. He did the hair thing. "She's cool."

I could tell from the look on his face that there was something going on there. "Wow, obvious."

He laughed. "I meant her a few weeks ago, but we've only been hanging out for a couple of days. But she's special. She's a little…." He made this motion with his hands. "You know, out there, but I like it. So, I heard you're staying here."

"You guys need a woman's touch around here. I was thinking about redecorating. You know, lots of pink stuff and sparkles and unicorns," I teased, and we both laughed. "I'm so into that," he said. "Well, you can bring your friends around anytime. Like…that Emma chick."

"She's got a boyfriend." And a Jay. There was loud crash from the kitchen. "I'd better go check on her," Christian said, and he headed down the stairs. I called Emma but she didn't answer. I took a little nap for about an hour. When I went back downstairs, Christian and Avery were wrestling around in the living room. Avery had Christian pinned on the ground, and she looked up at me. "Manny! I didn't make dinner. It took too much fucking….what is that word? _Effort._ Cooking takes too much fucking effort."

"I ordered a pizza," Christian said.

We smoked while we waited for the pizza. Avery had this huge plastic bag full of pot, and she just kept getting it out and rolling joint after joint. By the time the pizza arrived we were all really stoned, and we devoured the pizza like we hadn't eaten in days. Craig came home, and he looked really stressed out. "How did it go?" I asked.

"I don't really want to talk about it right now," he muttered, but then he perked up when he saw Avery's bag of weed. "Are we smoking? Because I could really go for a joint right now." He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry, I just….I'll tell you later," he mumbled into my ear.

"You look tense, Craig," Avery said, shaking her head. She was sprawled across the floor, but she sat up and reached into her pocket. "I've got something better than smoking for you, darling." She pulled out a small vile and tossed it at him. "Just save some for me!"

I liked Avery. There was something about her that really spoke to me, even though that's a weird way to put it. I felt like we clicked. She's just the type of person that makes you feel like you're best friends after knowing her for ten minutes. But it figured she was coke-head. I couldn't tell how I felt about that. Craig started cutting up lines, and I went into the kitchen to get a drink. Coke still made me uncomfortable, because it made Craig seem so far away from me. Not just when he's on it, but in general. And it knocks the wind out of me, because he's come back and the coke has made him different.

Christian came into the kitchen while I was thinking about all this and slid onto the counter. "Are you ok?"

I guess I looked upset. "Just thirsty."

"But you don't like it, do you?" He lit a cigarette and squinted at me. "You don't like the whole coke thing, right?"

I shrugged. Sometimes saying nothing is just better- you learn that. I glanced at him and wondered...maybe he's into it. He was up in Vancouver; he probably did it with Craig. I didn't know him that well at all. "Do you ever do it?" I couldn't help myself.

He flicked his cigarette so the ashes fell into the sink. "No. I like weed, and that's pretty much it. I don't even really drink ever. I tried coke, because I just wanted to see what the big deal was. I think you have to experience something in order to form a genuine opinion about it. But I'm not into it." He paused. "That's why I don't know about Avery. She does it, she sells it." Another pause. "Lately to Craig."

"Well, what am I supposed to do about it?" I couldn't help but feel that. I had no idea. "If he wants to do it…."

Christian blinked and opened his mouth. But Avery yelled "Christian, come here! I've got some shit to show you!" He smiled at me and went back into the living room. I wondered what he was going to say, but my phone went off with a text message.

_Laurie's pregnant_- Xavier

Jesus Christ. I felt like things were just piling up, and I was getting overwhelmed by it all. I can't handle stress, not the littlest bit, it's always a disaster. I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I was getting a half-sibling thing. A baby! For my dad and his bimbo. I lit a cigarette and began looking around for some alcohol.

Craig walked in. "I'm thirsty, too." He opened the fridge. "What's wrong? You look…like you want to kill something."

"Laurie's pregnant."

"Oh." He opened his beer, and then tossed one at me. "That's weird."

I could tell he didn't know what to say. Craig's been through so much and I always felt like he understands all my family shit. But he's not always great with words. But no matter what he does or doesn't say, I feel like he gets it. "This day has just been _bizarre_."

"I know."

"I don't know how to…deal with things like this," I admitted, staring into my beer. "How do you handle shit?"

"Playing music. Smoking."

"Doing coke," I blurted out. It was a chance to bring it up. He looked at me quickly. He has the most honest eyes, they give away everything. He looked guilty. "Yeah…it's relaxing. I try not to do it, but…"

"Why do you like it?"

He tried to tell me what it was like, but I could tell he was having trouble describing it. He said his whole body got really relaxed and calm, but at the same time you're energy went way up. He said it made him feel confident, like he could do anything. "I can't explain it right," he finally admitted. "You don't really get it unless you try it, I guess."

I remembered what Christian said- about experiencing things in order to get a real opinion about it. I don't know where this came from, but I said "Maybe I should try it?" Craig looked really surprised. We both hadn't expected that. "I don't know. Do you _really_ want to?" I nodded. "Well…ok."

We went back into the living room. Avery was snorting a line and Christian was playing his guitar. We sat down and Craig handed me a small piece of a straw. Avery smiled at me as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Christian looked at me too and raised his eyebrows. But he didn't say anything. He was probably thinking _what the fuck_? But I didn't care that much. I just wanted to try it, to be a part of something that Craig seemed to enjoy so much. Maybe it would help me figure him out. And what better a night than tonight, when I felt like I might seriously lose it?

I snorted a line. It burned, and my nose felt like it was on fire for a second. But that didn't last long. Maybe I should take another, I thought after a few minutes.

And I guess that's where it really all started. I guess that's when it started going downhill.


End file.
